Remember being an early adolescent and there were words you were too embarrassed to ask what they meant? It seems that’s come full circle for me. I have endured the eye rolling of young people as I gently ask, “What the #$@%! is Instagram? Why do I need to check out Friendster? Will it turn me into a hipster? I know how to Google, why do I need to Google plus? Is there math involved now?

This is why I keep a huge supply of young people in my life. They ensure that while I may not be able to prevent getting old, I don’t have to become rigid and opposed to new technology or new ideas. Many of the toys, hobbies, and technology I enjoy today would never have become part of my life if my kids hadn’t introduced me to them.

Truth – no matter how much I accomplish in life, I still wanna be one of the cool kids. I just bought a shiny new tablet. I know! You’re impressed. They’ve been out for years now but I just got one.

My daughter refers to my whining as “first world problems.” I hate dragging my laptop out, setting it up, plugging in the cord and waiting for it to boot up. So I bought a tablet. What do I do with it? Um…I sit on my couch and read Facebook status updates during commercials. It’s just how I roll.

I marvel at FB and other social media. I see that it has uses. It’s convenient and an easy way to share personal information in today’s sound byte culture. I like inboxing, posting articles I think friends would like and I like that FB doesn’t let me forget anyone’s birthday. I enjoy a couple time waster games. I appreciate people who post funny stuff on their page and am bewildered by people who use FB as a place to air their dirty laundry.

What troubles me about social media is that it’s somehow replaced phone calls and a lot of face to face interaction. I hate text speak and I find it fascinating that our language has evolved/devolved with technology. Punctuation, spelling words out, and putting your name at the end of any correspondence have become optional. Damn, I sound like a curmudgeon.

I want to stay young at heart and enjoy what every new invention offers. I appreciate that FB has connected me to over 400 “friends” about half of whom are people I’ve never actually met in person. I am stoked that people read my stuff and friend request me. The thing is, if you’re someone I really care about…I don’t want you to Facebook me (it’s an effing verb now). I want you to talk to me.

Reading your words is nothing compared to hearing you speak them. I need tone, inflection, facial expression and body language. I crave connection and having lunch together is infinitely more desirable to me than exchanging texts. Let’s text to arrange lunch, not to catch up.

Ultimately, social media is just not satisfying. It’s like reading a romance novel compared to having a romance. It’s a cheap substitute for socialization. It is best seen as a gateway to meaningful connections. I love that it lets me know when Orson Horchler has a new exhibit or that Pat Lemieux has a new blog out but then I want to go see what the Pigeon has created and I want to go talk about writing with Pat Lemieux. He still owes me a cup of coffee. FB told me last fall about a flash mob that would be gathering in downtown Bangor to support marriage equality and that’s cool but it’s only cool because otherwise I’d have missed it.

I don’t want to resist. I want to engage. I love meeting people who work in my field but I simply cannot take LinkedIn seriously. It’s a place to let everyone know how super cool you are. I set up an account and am connected to a stupid number of people. I couldn’t tell you a thing about who most of them are, but we’re somehow connected because I pushed the “accept” button. How do I accept someone I’ve never met in any meaningful way? How does that connection have any value other than creating some false appearance of notoriety?

I like Twitter but I hate that it makes me cognizant of how many followers I have. In real life I never count my friends but every time I log in to Twitter it tells me how many folks are “following” me. Truth to tell, it’s a low number. I don’t want to care about that and yet somehow I do. My ego wants to have more numbers and my true self is repulsed by that.

So…feel free to Google me, FB me, Twitter me (is that what people say?) text, or email me. Then invite me to lunch. I’m much more me when I’m not limited to 160 characters or a status update J

My closest friends and family tease me that I’m everyone’s dad. My kids grew up knowing that there is no conflict in having “second” moms and dads. I am grateful for the many good parents of my son and daughter’s childhood friends. They were there to carpool, babysit, and cheer for them at concerts and ballgames. They were also there to guide, comfort, teach, and give the occasional kick in the ass.

For better and for worse, my kid’s friends knew that I was the one adult they could go to with any question or problem and I’d give them honest answers. This worried my poor wife and not without cause. I was more than cavalier about it. I have always believed that what a kid doesn’t know can and will hurt them. So I gave advice on birth control, sex, sexuality, how to deal with your unreasonable boy/girlfriend, and how to not do drugs but if you really must smoke a joint here’s how to be safe about it.

Truth to tell, I usually enjoyed the company of the kids more than the parents. Kids know more about having fun and they taught me a great deal. I learned to appreciate their music, their way of seeing the world, and got their feedback on what’s wrong with parents these days. It was fun.

Then my friends grew up and left home.

I have never cried as long or hard as the day my son moved out except possibly on the day I left my daughter in her new dorm room. I knew that I’d been gradually letting go for years and yet the finality of it was heart wrenching. I worried that they’d need me and I worried they wouldn’t. It took a long time for me to adjust but they seemed to handle it just fine.

That’s the problem with kids – you raise them to be feel loved and secure, to be confident, independent and to believe in themselves and then THEY DO.

I miss being needed the way my children needed me when they were young. I miss throwing ten thousand balls of every kind to my son. I miss my daughter being 5 and telling me that we would get married some day. I miss being silly and eating Chinese take out in front of the television. I miss them teaching me how to be in the moment and how to accept love.

You see, once upon a time I associated being needed with being loved.

Thank God I got into therapy (as a client first). I learned that I could be loved without being needed. I learned that I could be appreciated not only for what I do but for who I am. My kids love me for who I am, and to them, I was almost always at my best.

There are many people in my life who I’m a better man for knowing but the three greatest influences in my life remain my son, my daughter, and my wife. They taught me how to love.

My babies turn 23 and 24 this month. They continue to make me prouder than anything ever could.

Weird thing about me (well, one of many): I’ve had my palm read many times (I know a lot of eclectic folks) and they always determine that I have three children. My theory on this became I have two and I have every child, adolescent, or young adult that I happen to be interacting with today.

“We see things not as they are but as we are” – Anais Nin

I see young adults (“young” is a moving target) through the eyes of a father. When I remember being young as a man, as a husband, and as a dad I vividly remember being scared shitless and I have endless sympathy for those going through the firsts in life.

Every so often I ask my wife if we can adopt some of the kids I work with. I serve amazingly talented and brilliant teens and young adults who come from unhealthy families. I maintain professionalism while I’m with them, but in my heart I want to give each of them a safe home and a family to be a part of.

I like the slackers, stoners, misfits, freaks and I especially love the bad kids. I was all of those. I like the kids who had to hide their true selves and I love helping them discover who they really are. Relating to them is simple – they want to be treated like adults because they never got to be kids. I respect them and tell them what I see realistically and clinically. Then I tell them what a good dad would. That they’re worth it.

A 50 minute hour is a lousy substitute for having a good mom or dad. I’m not going to go so far as to proclaim, “It takes a village!” Instead I’ll say that relating to adult children has enriched my life endlessly – be they my kids or someone else’s. Kindred spirits recognize one another and the more we connect the more we all flourish.

Way back in 1984 when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I went to the bookstore and bought almost every single book they had on childbirth and parenting. After reading them all, cover-to-cover, I felt I was all set and ready to go as a parent. Of course, as anyone can tell you, there is so much that happens that you will never find in a book. Parenting is a learn-as-you-go process. Even if you have it figured out for one child, another one comes along that is completely and entirely different and you have to start all over again.

The same process is true for parenting adult children, or what I like to call un-parenting! I call it un-parenting because it really is learning to let go, figuring out how to stop doing all the things that you have been doing for the last 18-20 years. Parenting is worrying, planning, directing, disciplining. Un-parenting is learning to trust them with their own problems and not let the worry consume you anymore. It is learning to stop planning for them, directing them, and giving them advice that isn’t asked for. It also means when they do the opposite of what you had hoped for them, there is no recourse, you can’t ground them or take away TV, you just have to stand by helplessly and hope for the best.

And the stakes are so much higher now. You move from worrying about your child’s ear infection, to sitting in an ER with them when they’ve had a major car accident. Instead of worrying about the first time they walk to school without you, you have to figure out how to deal with the first time they get on a plane and leave the country without you. Instead of driving them to the movies on a first date, you help them plan a wedding to someone you pray will never break their heart. You go from wondering if they remembered to put on their seat belt the first time they take out your car alone, to wondering if they are safe in the tank they are riding in, in a war zone.

The stakes are so much higher and you are now powerless. You are no longer in control. You can’t pick out their clothes, or plan their meals, or make sure they get to bed on time. You can’t chose their playgroup or supervise the things they are exposed to. You can’t tell them what to do, or give consequences when they mess up. All you can do is sit by and watch and hope and pray.

This is actually our last duty as parents, to LET GO, but it is just as important as all the others. The time to teach, to preach and to insist on them doing things your way is over. If you fail at this, the last assigned task, you not only risk ruining your relationship with your young adult children but you risk stunting their growth. You risk having them forever dependent on you. After all, your most important job as a parent is to raise responsible humans who can take care of themselves long after you are gone.

You need to let them go, you need to let them try, and when they fail you need to let them learn from that failure. You can still be there for support, you can still be there for emergencies and advice IF they ask for it, but you’ve got to let them figure it out on their own. There is no other way for them to finish the process, to grown into the amazing adults you raised them to be. There is no other way to prove all the lessons you taught them when they were young.

This is not a quick process for either of you and it varies from child to child, situation to situation. Some kids are ready to leave home at 18, and some may need to stick around another year or two. Sometimes, they will leave home, try their wings, and maybe have to come back for a bit to regroup. They might encounter a life crisis for which you will need to be their support and that’s okay, but you can’t do it for them, and you can’t try to fix it for them.

I can’t say I’ve always been good at this myself. It’s taken me a long time to get the hang of it. It has also varied among my children. My oldest daughter left home once and never looked back and if I ever offered advice she was quick to say “I’ve got this Mom.” Some of the other kids, however, have had some stuff go on that they needed a little more help with, times when they needed to come home for a bit before they were ready to give independence another shot. That’s okay too, as long as we are all working towards the same goal.

What was hard for me was when they came back, to not take on the role with a twenty-something that I had with a fifteen year old, to let them still figure it out on their own but be there for support if needed. After all, I made these people; I have a vested interest in their success! Sometimes, the hardest part is when they want your help and you have to say no, because you know that they need to do this on their own, they just haven’t figured that out yet themselves.

There aren’t as many books out there about un-parenting as there are about parenting. I guess it’s hard to write a book that tells you that the thing you need to do is often nothing. The good news is that if you can figure out this process, if you can re-negotiate this new relationship, the benefits are tremendous.

In this new relationship we help each other out because we are family, not because one of us is dependent on the other. Today, we have a relationship based on mutual respect. The fact that they don’t need a full time parent anymore means I now have the opportunity to be their friend, their confidant, even one of their co-workers. It means I get to know them as adults and to watch their accomplishments with a newfound sense of awe. I can rest, satisfied with a job well done, knowing that even when they run into bumps along the way, they have the tools to figure it out.

And the biggest and most wonderful surprise of all has been that sometimes, when I’ve needed someone, this group of amazing, wonderful, wise adults, is actually there, for me!

Watch for the next edition of Get a Life when Jim offers his insights into our changing relationships with out adult children.

When Jim and Brigitte and I got together recently to map out the topics for our next few blogs in Get A Life, we did so over lunch at Thai Siam.  So, as you can imagine, when the idea of talking about our relationships to our own bodies in middle age came up, the resulting conversation and shrieking laughter seemed to make the wait staff just a little uncomfortable. Not that this would be the first time my conversation has made a wait staff uncomfortable, it probably wasn’t even the first time that week I’d accomplished that, but this topic is just a little more sensitive than some.

As I reminded Jim and Brigitte, they are living happily ever after. I, on the other hand, am trying to negotiate my way through the dating world at 47. So there are some things about my body in middle age I am just not putting out there! And when they questioned my ability to be honest and open with my readers I reminded them, as I have before, that those who have access to far more regular sex than us single folks do NOT get to judge us single folks! NO, they have each other. They don’t have to worry if one of them is going to call back the next day, nor do they have to plan their sexual positions around gravity and proper lighting. So yeah, there are some things we are just not going to talk about here people!

A young friend of mine was telling me recently that he had thought about working as a nude model at one point for an art class. The pay was good and he said he really would not have been uncomfortable with the idea. However, he said he didn’t do it because he wasn’t sure how he would feel about it in the future. Once it was done, he wouldn’t be able to take it back. He said now he was okay with his body but suppose some day he wasn’t!

I told him to go for it. If I had known when I was younger what would happen to my body after two decades and four children I would have a whole album of nude photos now. (Yes, I’m sure my children are grateful I did not).  Now however, as my body declines, I have no real proof as to what it once was and no one else around anymore who actually witnessed it! Gone are the days of the concave stomach, the perfectly toned legs, and the ability to stay up all night long, for any purpose at all.

That’s okay really, I am actually pretty comfortable with my body now. No its not 25, and no it doesn’t look like any of those movie stars who are in their forties, but hey, I’m holding my own. I would never do anything that would be unhealthy for it, like Botox or cosmetic surgery, but you can be assured its going to get plenty of exercise and be deprived of cake on a regular basis. There are better looking bodies out there, but there are also worse ones. And mine has treated me well. It has brought four incredible children into the world, and it gets a lot of credit for that!

Of course every once it a while it likes to taunt me. Yes, Jim is correct, you get grey hair in places you never imagined. (Brace yourselves people). Sometimes it annoys me the way it aches for no reason, or gets tired out long before I’m ready to go home. Just to illustrate this blog, my body decided to be a smart ass this week and I woke up with a huge zit on the day I had to give tours at work. One of my girlfriends says pimples are our body’s way of saying we are still young on the inside. I say look, if we have to have grey hair and “laugh lines” then zits on top of that is just not fair! In the big picture though, I guess these are minor things I can live with.

There is however, one major worry I do have, ladies you will all understand. Jim’s concerns were about his growing prostate and waning energy but as a woman, my concerns are different.  While still being able to keep up with my kids in their twenties would be nice, I have a more urgent need, keeping my breasts pointing horizontally. I am willing to spend whatever it costs, on whatever equipment is needed to keep the girls from going vertical on me. We all have our priorities. Mine may seem shallow but I don’t care. I know, my body is my temple. I know I am supposed to age gracefully. Well there is aging gracefully and there is WTF? So, I’m not going down without a fight on this one! I don’t want worshippers coming to the temple only because of its historical significance. If you know what I mean . . . .

Look for Karen and Jim again next month for the next installment in their continuing series on all the relationships in our lives in middle age. 

I want to live long enough to see my son go through his forties. At the moment he is 23, ten feet tall, and bullet proof. He’s athletic, trim, and in every bit the condition I was in at his age. He can work and play nonstop and does not require sleep. He’s quick on his feet and graceful. Before it starts to sound like I’m seeking a new girlfriend for him; let me explain: I want vengeance.

The score must be settled for every eye roll and look of dismay he’s given me for doing outrageous things like getting ready for bed at 10:30pm. I must watch as he experiences the gradual decline aging brings. I look forward to his need for glasses, his inexplicable fatigue and the bewilderment of how his back can possibly ache so much and so often. I have warned him but he does not listen. Like most young men, he hates to read so I have no fear of the mysteries that might be revealed to him in this blog.

I want to heckle him when he turns 30 and discovers that a quick trip to McDonald’s results in even quicker trips to the men’s room.  I want to chuckle when he discovers heart burn, indigestion, and that it’s just not worth it to eat deep fried anything anymore.

I’m looking forward to grandchildren. I can’t wait to spot the blood shot, “I haven’t slept in three days” look he’ll have before my wife insists that we give the poor kid a break. Later, I plan on buying a complete drum set for each of my grandchildren along with an extra set of cymbals just because.

I can’t wait for him to marvel that no matter how many baseballs, basketballs, and footballs he throws, that his son will be disappointed when he stops after a mere three hours. He’s gonna be a great dad. I just can’t wait for him to ask me how I ever did it.

There are plenty of milestones I won’t hear about but I’ll know that just like the rest of us; he’ll hit them.  He will know the joy of discovering gray hairs on his head, in his beard, and ultimately in places to delicate to mention. He’ll come to wonder how hair started growing in his nose, ears, and wonder, “What the hell is happening that my eye brows resemble Andy Rooney’s?”

He’ll miss the convenience of being able to do everything a man needs to do with a toilet from a seated position (the joys of enlarging prostates are many). He’ll find himself concerned that sleeping through the night is no longer possible and later he’ll learn that waking up to pee is something one gets to do twice a night.

Not only have I experienced the pure delight of my body’s decline; as an added bonus, I have enjoyed sharing my wife’s sentiments regarding the joys of being a woman in her late 40’s. She has regaled me countless times as to why hysterectomies should be elective surgery that is covered by health insurance. I dutifully agree that if men experienced menopause that this would already be the case.

We’ve talked endlessly about the risks to women of a certain age engaging in the reckless acts of sneezing or laughing a bit too hard. Bladder control is one of our favorite subjects. She’s shared her feelings about the effects of gravity over time and how I shall never understand the intense relief of removing a bra at the end of a long day.

I am especially grateful that my wife and I have both the ability and the willingness to laugh about the changes that being middle aged brings. We miss being able to read small print, being able to hear each other from the next room, and being able to remember why we ventured into said room. We console ourselves that wisdom and experience are good substitutes for energy and smaller pant sizes.

Brigitte and I find ourselves half way between the ages of our adult children and our retirement aged parents. I have a vivid memory of going out to dinner last summer. At the end of the evening, my son and his girlfriend stood to our left and my in laws to our right. On one side of us was yesterday and on the other we saw tomorrow. Today might feel rough at times but tomorrow we move toward twilight so we’re going to enjoy every minute and hope you do the same.

Karen Foley will share her take on relating to our middle aged bodies in two weeks.

Brigitte and I have watched the demise of many marriages and partnerships. We’ve stood on the sidelines and supported dear friends who decided to split. It’s never the same afterwards. What you’re used to is being friends with a couple. It can still be good relating to one or both separately, but it’s going to be different because it’s no longer Bob & Susan. Now it’s Bob…and Susan.

Bob wants to tell you what a cold hearted bitch Susan is but we love Susan and it’s hard to hear. Susan wants to explain how short Bob’s penis and attention span are because apparently we needed to know…

In mid-adolescence my daughter asked me, “Dad, you ever notice that everybody’s ex girlfriend is a crazy bitch and every ex boyfriend was really bad in bed?” I wanted to tell her that it gets better in adulthood, but it often doesn’t.

As a therapist, I watch folks try to hold on to their exes through friendship or to win them back. I’m a big fan of dignity and I suggest things like, “How about f@ck that? Move on. Be civil and no more”

In codependent relationships, the person who has a poor sense of self sees their value in belonging to others and so of course they struggle to let go. We don’t just lose them we lose ourselves too.

Holding out hope means holding in pain.  This is how we create baggage and we’re the ones who get to carry it. We can’t expect to be happy while hoping our exes are miserable without us and that their new girlfriend gets fat.

We get stuck in unanswerable questions, “Why wasn’t I enough?” We go to therapy and ask the nice middle aged hippie chick where we went wrong? She tells you that you need to focus your energy on being more positive and that sounds nice but it doesn’t help you understand why s/he decided they wanted to go have sex with other people. (Um, because s/he wanted to have sex with other people).

We compare ourselves to their new partner as though we’ve been replaced. This is misguided. It’s not like trading in a car. So s/he went out and got a shiny new sports model and s/he kinda looks like a model and so you need to feel bad about yourself, eat more salads, and make empty promises about going to the gym. F@ck that. They filled an emptiness and we’re fueling our own insecurities.

It’s time to assemble your best friends, get drunk and vomit your feelings. Maybe give your ex a call around 2am? Follow this with assorted clichés that involve not bathing all weekend and spend plenty of time stalking your ex on Facebook!

You run into your ex’s friends and that’s weird. Maybe they offer condolences. Maybe they try to date you. You tell them you’re “not ready for a relationship” meaning, “I hated you when you were his/her friend, why would you think I’d date you?”

You’re going to run into your ex sooner or later. Don your fake smile (like they don’t recall what it looks like) and profess how well you’re doing. They’ll likely do the same. Remember those heart to hearts you used to have about hating fake people? Right, now you’re that to each other. Karen couldn’t be more right – being friends with your ex is a nice idea that’s largely unattainable. Just be yourself – a new and healthier version of yourself!

Maybe you both struggle for a bit and decide to “talk”. You know this is probably a bad idea but drawn like a magnet, you go. Somehow you end up in bed after meeting for “coffee.” Wait…what does that mean? Are you back together now or was it just sex? It was never just sex before…Better call up your closest friends and ask what they think. Maybe you can have “coffee” again this weekend?

Keep tearing off that scab and wonder why it doesn’t heal. Before you find someone new – find you.

Deal with the baggage you have – don’t just move forward. If you don’t work through your issues, your last relationship will significantly impact your next. Karen explains, “Real friendship, like any relationship, involves give and take, forgiveness and compromise…” Take stock of what you have to give and what you’re willing to take. Forgive yourself everything and do not compromise on your standards, your needs, or your values. Become the type of person you most wish to attract.

Recently, when Jim, Brigitte and I got together to discuss the next few installments in our blog series, I discovered something rather concerning about the two of them. They don’t have any exes! No really, the two of them met when they were young, fell in love and actually lived happily ever after. (Try not to hate them because of it, they really are dear people). I know, that sounds infuriatingly simple doesn’t it! I’ll let them tell you more about it all at a future point but that left me to do the lead writing on the blog about exes.

If there is one thing I have, its exes! Oh, compared to some, there really aren’t that many, sort of, but they are memorable! What Jim and I wanted to discuss this month are those relationships with your exes that are still spilling over into your current life situation. Now let’s face it, some of that is unavoidable. If you have spent any significant amount of time with someone you have shared relationships with other people that are likely to continue. You share friends and family and those relationships don’t necessarily end because yours did. Especially if you share children together, that is the most important one. That doesn’t change because you are no longer together. In fact, figuring out how to co-parent after a break up is mandatory, actually being friends however is optional.

After long, deep, soul-searching thought, I’ve come to this conclusion. Being friends with your ex is similar to several things I’ve mentioned before, like world peace and living happily-ever-after, all worthy goals but probably unlikely to ever actually happen, in my lifetime anyway!

Now to clarify, I think it depends on the type of relationship. If you dated casually and just decided you really weren’t a good fit, than certainly you can still be friends. If you were friends with benefits, aside from the usual complications with that, your friendship can probably continue long after the benefit portion has ended. What I am talking about here is being friends after a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship. That is where the difficulty comes in.

Oh I know some of you are going to disagree with me. In theory, being friends with your ex would be a great idea, I understand.  I just don’t think it’s practical. Most of the time, let’s face it if you were able to truly be friends with your ex you’d probably still be together. Real friendship, like any relationship, involves give and take, forgiveness and compromise, good times and bad times. If you couldn’t negotiate those obstacles when your marriage and your family were on the line, why would you be able to do that now?

So when people ask me if I’m still friends with my exes the answer is no. That doesn’t mean we don’t get along, most of the time we get along fine. What it means is that we don’t hang out socially. We may both attend events that involve our children, or even share an occasional holiday together, but the purpose of those events is co-parenting, not friendship. We don’t choose to hang out to spend time together. We don’t call each other when one of us needs someone to talk to. We don’t share the events of our day. That’s just the way it is. I have managed to stay friends with the other people those relationships have brought into my life. I have some wonderful friends, former in-laws and one really great step-daughter that I never would have had if it weren’t for those relationships.  The relationship with the ex-husband/boyfriend however, was over when it ended.

Once years ago, I thought I had negotiated a real friendship with someone who was an ex, about fifteen years after the original relationship had ended. It went on for some time only to eventually discover that he had thought it was something else entirely and because I didn’t want to play along it did not end well. Coincidentally, this was also the only person I have dated ever more than once.  Therefore, he is also the reason I have now have a rule about ever dating an ex again!

I never go back, at all, ever. That doesn’t mean I don’t give someone all the chances in the world, because I do, but when I’m done, I’m done. That means no ex-sex either! That is a phenomenon that seems to be common among a lot of my friends with exes. I have just never seen the appeal of it. If we are exes it means you screwed up and are no longer entitled to the good parts of the relationship, period.  Like my friendship, if we could have worked it out you’d still have it.

As I said, I’m sure some of you will disagree. I’m sure some of you have had different experiences. If you can truly be friends with your ex, I wish you all the best. I just know for me, it’s not healthy. That doesn’t mean I hate them, it doesn’t mean I wish them ill will, it doesn’t mean we are antagonistic in any way. It just means that I don’t need a constant reminder in my life of heartache and failure. It means I’m able to let go, move on, and fill my life with people who make me feel good about myself, people who deserve my love, my trust and my friendship. So while being friends with an ex may certainly be possible, for me its simply not necessary. In the end, if it doesn’t make you feel good, doesn’t enrich your life in any way, let it go, move on, and don’t look back. There is a reason they are your ex!

Relationships with co-workers are some of the most frustrating relationships in our lives. Unlike friends, we don’t get to choose our co-workers. As Jim mentioned, they are sometimes more like family, functional or dysfunctional. They are thrust upon us and we have to spend the majority of our waking hours in their presence. This means they have the potential to either be some of the most satisfying relationships we have or some of the most frustrating relationships we have.

As Jim also mentioned, the biggest mistake people can make is trying to get their personal needs met within their relationships as work! I have reminded several friends over the years who were disappointed in work relationships that the real reason we work, is to make money or to further a cause we believe in, but not to make friends. Actually making connections and friends at work is a bonus. We are blessed when it happens but it should never be our goal in the workplace.

Jim said he has met almost all of his closest friends at work. This has been true for me on several occasions. In fact, I have been lucky enough in every job I’ve ever had, to leave with at least one, really good, lifelong friendship. I think the key is in the type of work you do. Do you have a job you don’t really enjoy, and just go to every day, punch in, do your work, punch out and leave? Or do you have a job you love and feel passionate about? If so, it is likely a place that will also attract other people who love and feel passionate about their work with whom you will form great friendships. These are the easy relationships. These are the people you can enjoying working with on a common goal.

The more difficult relationships are with those people that we don’t share a passion with. In fact, it may be hard to find anything in common with some people at work other than a need to be in the same building every day together. This does not, however, mean that we shouldn’t at least try to relate to them or try to improve the relationship. Doing so will only help all of our days go just a little more smoothly. Whether or not you like someone or can relate to them effects your ability to meet your common goals on the job, so these are the relationships that, rather than trying to avoid or ignore, you really have to focus on improving.

I realize in some organizations this can be more difficult than in others. Some places have a culture of competition. In some companies back biting, and trying to step over each other on the way to the top is encouraged. If this is the case, and you aren’t comfortable with that environment, and you don’t see a way to improve it, then maybe it’s time for you to consider moving on. I have been in those situations, I understand the difficulty of uprooting and leaving a position that may seem secure.

However, we need to remember we are charge of our own personal fulfillment and happiness and sometimes taking leap of faith like that, into a new job or career, will be one of the greatest decisions we ever make!

As with any relationship, the key here is communication. I recommend starting small. Saying “good morning” to a grumpy co-worker, every single day whether it is reciprocated with any enthusiasm or not, can go a long way to making both your days more pleasant. Take an interest in what they do. Take an interest in their life outside of work. Ask questions, get to know them. Find the one thing you can relate to with a difficult coworker and build from there. There has to be something you share in common, something you can agree on. Most of the time, you will find out you actually have something unexpected in common, a shared interest or experience. You may also find out that all those times you thought they were being grumpy at you had absolutely nothing to do with you at all. They had their own stuff going on. You don’t have to end up being best friends but you do have to learn to respect each other as co-workers.

Just start with “good morning.” I promise it helps.

Keep in mind, not everyone has the same life experiences. Not everyone grew up in the same culture. Don’t assume they should know what you mean or what you are talking about. Don’t assume they understood your intentions. Don’t assume they get it at all because they may not. In fact, don’t assume anything, just ask. Everyone needs to feel heard and respected. Clarifying goals, expectations or intentions can go a long way to improving work relationships. Also, don’t be afraid to admit when you’ve been wrong, or even kind of a pain to deal with yourself. As with all relationships saying “I’m sorry” can fix almost any screw up.

This doesn’t mean that everyone lives happily ever after at the office. It doesn’t end all conflict but it does help to have a more pleasant work environment. It means you can work together more easily. It means everyone’s day gets just a little better.

You spend most of your waking hours with your co-workers, every week. Why not try to make that time as enjoyable as possible. If you can look at the big picture, if your goals revolve around the greater good of the entire organization rather than your own personal goals, not only will you build a really great organization but you will also, sometimes unexpectedly, and make some really great relationships with your co-workers that will last long after you’ve both moved on to other things.

Stay tuned for Karen and Jim’s next installment in their year long series on all the relationships in our lives! 

Having a full time job means that over a third of our waking hours are spent at our place of employment. Many of us spend more time with our coworkers than with our families. The workplace is a subculture. The relationships we have there can enrich our lives or drain them, personally and professionally.

Maybe your job is just a job. Maybe you have a career. Regardless of what your job means to you, there are still folks you’d like to at least peacefully coexist with. How we choose to relate to others has everything to do with what we hope to accomplish and attain individually and collectively.

It sounds nice the first time you hear it. You start a new job and some well meaning HR person tells you, “We’re a family here.” You should play close attention because they’re not lying. If you work as part of a team, the dynamics can easily mirror those of a family – functional and otherwise.

We all know that we’re supposed to leave work at work and home at home, yet unavoidably we bring the person we are to every experience we have and so do our bosses, coworkers, and colleagues.

The biggest mistake that people make in the workplace is trying to get their personal needs met. This is generally not consciously driven behavior. People tend to be largely unaware of what they’re seeking, much less where they’re seeking it.  Each of us has a personal and professional agenda. So do every one of the folks we work with. These often conflict. How then do we achieve our goals?

From personal experience, I advocate doing it creatively, genuinely, and in a manipulative manner. Unfortunately, being “manipulative” has a negative connotation. I use it to mean managing or influencing. It is a person’s intentions that make this approach positive or negative. We are free to promote our interests without harming others. We are free to manipulate systems and institutions. We’re free to find loop holes, build better mousetraps, and create our own opportunities.

Traditional approaches advocate the value of networking. Networking is all about manipulation. We seek to convince others that they should see and do things our way. This does not require a persona; it only requires that we find mutually beneficial arrangements. Here again we must break free of competitive models, otherwise networking is about creating an illusion as opposed to a reality. There is always a win/win but it takes collaboration and earnest efforts to find them.

The key is to do what my friends in AA refer to as “seeking to understand rather than to be understood.” When I sincerely take an interest in the goals and dreams of others, I grow and learn personally and professionally regardless of the outcome. What I have consistently experienced is reciprocity. All that is required is that I be painstakingly honest with myself about people’s character and their agendas. Like most lessons I have accepted, I learned this the hard way.

Passive approaches generally result in unsatisfying results because they depend on a traditional hierarchy to recognize the value of our work, the potential that we have, and to meet our needs accordingly. Hierarchy sucks. I love that the people who work for me will not hesitate to tell me that I am wrong.

I advocate breaking the rules. Most of us are locked into a competitive model. You getting yours means I can’t get mine. If anything, I have found the exact opposite to be true. Most of my closest friends are people I met at work. We know that dating people we work with is generally a bad idea but that’s how I got to know my wife of 25 years. We know that we’re not supposed to go into business with people we love or employ them yet that’s exactly what has worked for me.

Personally and professionally, there’s very little that’s written in stone and the truth is that most of the successful people I know are making it up as they go along.

The biggest obstacles to relating, connecting and collaborating with colleagues, coworkers, and employers are ego and resistance to embracing things that seem to be mutually exclusive. Humility and greatness can coexist but these are ideals and not accomplishments.  We must surround ourselves with people who will both support us and challenge us. Most of all, we need to be vulnerable enough with each other to make our agendas overt. Seeking to achieve individually is always limiting. What we can do together will always be greater than what we can do alone.

So…as you prepare to go home, how about doing things differently this year?

When you left home you stopped being part of your family’s daily life. Unless you’re one of the fortunates who come from a very healthy family, this is where your family stopped changing in terms of how you all relate to each other. If you want this to change today; you must communicate what you want to be different and be willing to consistently reinforce it.

How old do you feel when you visit family? Right. You’re a kid. They relate to you as one and worse, you feel and respond like one. My legal name is James. I’ve always preferred to be called “Jim.” I’m a 45 year old man and to this day my parents refer to me as “Jimmy.” They haven’t changed. I have. When people stop growing as individuals they tend to become resistant to change. My choice was to continue to be passive in how I relate to my family and be unsatisfied or be assertive in setting boundaries regarding how I was willing to relate to them (I accomplished every change I sought except for my childhood nickname).

Relationships are not stagnant. They are dynamic and ever changing. If we do not adjust, greater distance between us becomes inevitable. In order to close that distance, we need to be able to discuss what’s different. I have consistently found that people are resistant to hearing how I think they need to change but are generally receptive to hearing how I have changed and what it is I need. This is why therapists recommend, “I statements.” We tend to get less defensiveness and more receptiveness.

While we were growing up, our family of origin unknowingly assigned roles and expectations to us. These don’t change unless we take action to change them. Whatever “one” you were growing up, you still are in their eyes. Maybe you were the smart one, the pretty one, the funny one, the responsible one, or the screw up of the family. Chances are that however they saw you and related to you then is how they do so now. What would you like to be appreciated for? What have you wanted your family to recognize and be proud of? As unfair as it may seem to you…ask for it.

Maybe you were the black sheep of the family.  This left many of us feeling a part from when we so desperately wanted/want to feel a part of. Maybe you’re willing to pretend and conform and be who they want you to be so that you can get your needs met or at least get through the holidays. Maybe you spend Christmas hiding your political or religious beliefs. Maybe you pretend that you’re happy or that your life is just what you want it to be. Maybe it’s worth it for you. I hope you get to a place where it’s not. Pretending sucks and so does conditional love.

The best people I know are black sheep. Take a fresh look through your extended family. Perhaps someone else is or has become one. Embrace them. My chosen family today are primarily people who are the sole sane member of their biological family. Today I feel no obligation to a person simply because we’re related by blood. I have learned to love and accept my biological family as they are with no expectations of them changing for my benefit.

I get my needs met by my chosen family. We are intimately connected. These are the people I most readily cry, share fears, dreams and belly laugh with. These are the people I can call at 2am and know they’ll answer the phone. I did not allow such people in my life while I was waiting for the family I was born to change.

Whatever you experience with family, don’t let it keep you from claiming new brothers and sisters. Don’t let it keep you from having mother figures and father figures. Don’t hold out for others to change. Receive the people the Universe places in your path. We are all connected. Happy Holidays.

In part five, Karen and Jim will discuss relating to your coworkers and why we cannot kill them.